My name is Bree. I never want to grow up. I intend to live fast & die young. I am going to marry my high school sweetheart . I have no sense of direction and I am always lost but I'll find my way one of these days.
You should know, you are lovely.
Hi, I am Bree.
I fuck up a lot. I have always tried desperately to be perfect.
This is how I used to be:
I used to hate myself. I hated who I was, how I looked… EVERYTHING about me. I looked up to girls that the boys liked. I wanted to be more like them, and less like myself. I didn’t have any self esteem what so ever. My parents got divorced when I was 13, it was not exactly a surprise, but it still stung. I just thought my parents arguing everyday was normal… it wasn’t. I thought it was my fault. I used to write letters about how much I hated myself, and how terrible of a human I was. I cried myself to sleep countless nights. Then, things got better. I grew up a bit. I had to. I didn’t tell anyone about what was going on at home. I hated it. So, I kept everything inside. I felt so weak. Then I went into high school… 9th grade was probably the worst year of my life. I was torn between to schools, and I wanted to just fit in. I tried too hard, and people got the wrong impression of me. But who could blame them? That was the face I was putting on. But then I met Ryan, he changed my life. But I didn’t realize it at first… then we became best friends. We started going out and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I made friends, and I lost friends. I realized that no one can be in your life forever, not unless you get really lucky. I was so naive. I thought the people you met in high school were supposed to be with you for the rest of your life. Everyone would be best friends! But that isn’t true. Shit happens, and people walk out of your life, whether you like it or not. Sometimes people will put others above you, and that is going to hurt. Then again at the end of tenth grade I felt… suicidal. I guess you could call it that. I felt nothing, and everything at the same time. I felt like everyone was against me, and I wasn’t good enough for anyone. I was in a very dark and depressing place. I just hated everything. I didn’t realize what was going on around me. I didn’t see the bigger picture. I just was going through… life… but to me, it was like my world was closing in on me. That was such a terrible point in my life… If I didn’t have my best friends.. and my boyfriend… I can’t say that I would be here today. They saved me. I love them more than anything. And that summer was perfect. I spent almost everyday with the love of my life. You are more than anything I have ever deserved and I love you so much Ryan. Then the school year of my junior year began and It has been a roller coaster ride ever since. I am trying to make it through but sometimes I feel myself slipping back into those depressing thoughts and I get really scared. I just want perfection. To the point of obsession. I feel so much better though, with the help of my best friends and family. Everyday is a struggle. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to make it through high school and show every bitch that ever put me down and made me feel worthless that I did it. And that they couldn’t rule me. Only I can make myself feel worthless. No one else. So fuck anyone that doubts you.
Because today?
I am stronger. I have confidence. I have my bad days, but everyone does. I know that what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. So sometimes you just have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Because you are beautiful inside and out and God made you for a reason. It gets better.
I promise. <3
